


Shattered and Scarred

by SunriseRose1023



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enhanced Reader, F/M, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Torture, Mild Sexual Content, Past Torture, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Suicide Attempt, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-31 06:36:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18585784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunriseRose1023/pseuds/SunriseRose1023
Summary: Bucky's recovery time in Wakanda takes a surprising turn when he runs into you, a piece of his past he doesn't remember. You, however, remember enough for the both of you.





	1. Chapter 1

“Can I ask you a question?”

T’Challa turned from where he was staring out the window and glanced over his shoulder. A man came to stand beside him, staring out that same window. T’Challa kept his eyes on the man a minute longer, studying him in the silence.

He looked so different than the last time they had seen each other. A dark beard shadowed his cheeks and chin, and there seemed to be an edge to his usually gentle blue eyes. He did not walk as tall as he once had, as though the mantle he once proudly wore now weighed on his wide shoulders.

He seemed older now, though that was impossible.

T’Challa nodded as he turned back to look out the window, ignoring the way the man spoke without using the royal formalities. He was barely able to suppress a smile at the breath Okoye huffed from her place in the shadows.

“Of course, Captain.”

Steve Rogers closed his eyes, hand coming up and waving off the title. T’Challa gave another nod and Steve sighed, running a hand down his tired face.

“Is it true?”

T’Challa raised an eyebrow as he glanced over, feigning ignorance. When Steve rolled his eyes, T’Challa gave a quiet laugh, clearing his throat before he spoke.

“Do you really need me to answer that?”

Steve sighed again.

“No. Is it working?”

T’Challa lifted his shoulders, then let them fall.

“Each day brings new struggles, along with new possibilities.”

Steve nodded, hands moving to grip the railing in front of them.

“I have another question.”  
“Feel free.”

Steve licked his lips, eyes locking on a bird that flew by the window, staring in the direction it had flown as he spoke.

“Is it true that … he’s not the first … Winter Soldier you’ve healed?”

T’Challa fought not to let his hackles rise. He lowered his left hand, not seeing, but feeling Okoye relax. He cleared his throat, linking his hands in front of him.

“I do not know what you are talking about.”

A muscle in Steve’s jaw twitched a moment before he spoke.

“Evidence has just … appeared to suggest that Bucky might not have been solely responsible for all the kills attributed to the Winter Soldier.”  
“Oh?”

Steve nodded, glancing towards the king, who continued to stare out the window.

“It seems there were two Winter Soldiers. Bucky and an unidentified woman. She was his partner, until she went rogue. When she did, HYDRA and S.H.I.E.L.D. teamed up and sent agents out to capture her.”  
“Or kill her.”  
“Whichever came easiest. But she dropped off the grid.”

T’Challa slowly nodded, and after a moment of silence, Steve spoke again.

“Rumors are swirling that she’s been hiding in Wakanda this whole time.”

T’Challa slowly nodded again. After a few heartbeats, he licked his lips.

“Hypothetically, let us say someone—anyone, have you—comes to my country seeking asylum. If the reasoning is worthy enough … perhaps we grant the asylum. Perhaps we do everything in our power to protect this person, just as we would for a natural citizen of Wakanda.”  
“So it is true. Your Highness, the things she’s done—”  
“Rumored to have done.”

Steve shook his head, and T’Challa turned to face him, though Steve hung his head and kept it down.

“Have you ever stopped to think, Mr. Rogers, that everything may not be exactly as you have heard?”

Steve lifted his head, turning and looking T’Challa in the eyes for the first time.

“What do you mean?”

 

* * *

 

 

You stood in the sun, closing your eyes as you felt the warmth on your skin. There was a coldness in your bones that never seemed to completely disappear, but the sunshine helped. You inhaled deeply, exhaling the freshest air you could ever remember breathing.

A chorus of squeals sounded near you, and you opened your eyes and turned around, a smile coming over your face and a laugh escaping your lips as the children congregated around you. They all shouted your name and started to speak at the same time, sentences overlapping until you held up your hands and laughed again.

“Easy, easy! I only have two ears, silly little ones.”

A small girl missing both front teeth steeped to you, grabbing hold of your skirts.

“Have you seen the white wolf?”  
“White wolf?”

You smiled, bending down to cup her face in your hands.

“There are no wolves here. Only elephants!”

Some of the children began making elephant noises, and you laughed. A little boy tugged at your skirt, and you turned to face him.

“There is a white wolf and he is big and scary!”

A chorus of opposition rose.

“He’s not scary!”  
“He only has one arm.”  
“That doesn’t make him scary!”

You narrowed your eyes, keeping the smile on your face.

“A wolf with only one arm?”  
“Well, he … he’s not a  _real_  wolf.”

You shook your head with a laugh, then held out your hands.

“Take me to this mysterious, scary white wolf.”

The kids latched onto you, making you laugh even more as they began to tug on your arms and run.

 

* * *

 

 

As you came to the edge of a river, the children let go of your hands, running to a slender young woman, one who threw her head back and laughed when she listened to the small crowd. She bent and whispered something to them, standing tall and shaking her head as they ran from her. She made her way to you, and you took the hand she extended, bowing slightly.

“Princess.”  
“How are you today, Y/N?”

You smiled, glancing out over the river, eyes widening when you saw a fish leap from the water, only to splash back down and disappear. You met her dark eyes and smiled again.

“I’m good. How are you?”  
“I needed a break from my lab.”

You nodded, releasing her hand as the two of you made your way to the bank of the river. You slipped your feet from your sandals and walked forward, smiling as the surprisingly cool water splashed over your toes. You walked until the water was up to your ankles, keeping your skirts gathered in one hand to keep them dry. Shuri walked up beside you, her skirt short enough that she didn’t need to lift it, kicking lightly just to see the water splash. You gave a soft laugh, then turned to face her.

“Tell me about this white wolf the little ones were so excited about.”

Shuri rolled her eyes.

“He’s not a wolf.”  
“Yes, that I figured out. Although I will say, it took a minute.”

Shuri laughed, then shrugged her skinny shoulders.

“He’s a friend of a friend of my brother’s who needed some help.”

You nodded.

“Is he okay?”  
“He reminds me a lot of you, to be honest.”

You turned to watch the sun’s sparkles on the water and you spoke softly.

“God help him, then.”  
“Oh, come now. You are a wonderful person.”  
“ _Now_ , maybe.”  
“The past is in the past, Y/N. Remember?”

You nodded, staring down at the water around your feet. It was still hard for you to reconcile that the past was truly in the past. You had done some horrible things, but thanks to Shuri’s help, unwavering faith in you, and her dogged determination, you had found healing.

You closed your eyes again, lifting your face towards the sun, which was beginning its descent. You let the warmth caress your face, suppressing the shiver you wanted to give. Shuri stepped to you, laying a hand on your shoulder, and you opened your eyes.

“Do you want to meet him? I think it may do him some good to see you.”  
“To show him your sole success story?”

Shuri shrugged again, a wide smile coming over her face. You laughed to yourself, giving her a gentle shove. She laughed as she stumbled away, running out of the water and onto the riverbank. You followed, dropping your skirts when you’d cleared the water, slipping your sandals back on. Shuri started for one of the tents, stopping when a shadow came over the doorway, a moment before a man stepped out.

He was tall and muscular. His hair was dark, waving down to his shoulders, and he had half of it pulled back away from his face. The beginnings of a beard shadowed his face and—just as the children had told you—only one of his arms was visible. His left shoulder was encased in fabric that kept it hidden from view. You took a step forward, going still when he looked to you.

Shuri was speaking, saying something to you before she walked closer to him. You couldn’t hear her; you couldn’t hear  _anything_  but the pounding of your heart and the rush of blood in your ears.

He was alive.

He was here, right in front of you, living and breathing.

Broken.

But alive.

And he couldn’t take his eyes from you.

A tear slipped down your cheek, unnoticed by Shuri. He, however, furrowed his brows and took a step towards you. You felt the sudden inclination to run, to distance yourself as much as possible, but your feet wouldn’t move. You were frozen where you stood, your blood suddenly feeling like ice in your veins.

You gasped, blinking widely when Shuri suddenly took hold of your arms, the warmth of her hands cutting through the cold, the shake she gave you bringing you back and grounding you.

“Y/N, answer me!”

You blinked again, meeting Shuri’s dark, worried eyes. You shook your head and she spoke again, much softer this time.

“What is the matter?”

You looked over her shoulder, meeting the blue eyes of the man who was studying you, confusion evident on his handsome face. You licked your lips, voice shaking as you spoke.

“Who—who is he?”  
“Bucky Barnes. A sergeant from the United States Army.”

You slowly nodded.

“Bucky.”

He blinked, taking another step towards you.

“Do I know you?”

You couldn’t stop the shudder that went through you at the sound of his voice. Shuri must have felt it, too, because her eyes widened.

“Y/N?”

You shook your head, trying and failing to move out of Shuri’s grasp.

“I—I need—”  
“Breathe.”

You whipped your head to him, seeing him hold up his hand as he stepped closer to you.

“Just take a breath.”  
“You’re alive.”

The words were barely more than a breath, but you couldn’t stop them from spilling from your lips. Bucky shook his head, staring into your eyes.

“Who are you?”

The tears came suddenly, slipping down your cheeks.

“Let me go.”  
“What is it, Y/N? Why are you crying?”  
“Please, let me go.”  
“But Y/N—”  
“Shuri, please!”

You knew your strength. You knew how easily you could break from Shuri’s hold, most likely breaking both of her arms in the process. You hadn’t wielded your full strength in years, but right then, you weren’t sure you could hold back. Thankfully, Shuri let go of you. You gave a ragged breath, staring at Bucky as he shook his head.

“I … I don’t—”  
“Good.”

He was clearly taken aback by that, and you sniffled as you shook your head.

“Sorry. I … I’m so sorry.”

You turned your back to them, wrapping your arms around your waist as you began to walk away. Shuri called your name, and you assumed she started to come after you, until you heard him speak softly.

“Let her go.”

You bit your lip at the sob you wanted to give, then picked up your pace, until you bent and took hold of your skirts, gathering them and lifting enough to allow you to run.

 

* * *

 

 

You stayed in your quarters for two days, sleeping only when your body couldn’t stay awake another minute. You mainly sat at your window, one hand pressed to the glass, staring at the gorgeous countryside, watching the sun come up, then set, until you were able to stare at the moon and the millions of stars.

Shuri came to the door more than once, but her knocks and pleas went unanswered.

You finally couldn’t fight the hunger anymore, and you ventured from your room to the small kitchen down the hall. You turned on the small light over the sink, opening the high-tech refrigerator and gathering the ingredients to make yourself a sandwich.

You went still as you heard the footsteps behind you, silent as they were. Shuri had fought hard to help you lessen the effects of your previous training, but some things never changed. You took a deep breath, slowly glancing over your shoulder.

Bucky stepped into the kitchen, holding up a hand.

“Sorry, I … there’s usually no one awake this time of night.”

You smiled.

“I know.”

He gave a quiet laugh, moving to run his hand through his hair. You swallowed, then spoke softly.

“Are you hungry?”

Bucky blinked, then nodded. He stepped further into the kitchen as you turned away from him, reaching for the loaf of bread you’d just set away. Your cheeks burned as you tried to focus on your task, but your mind couldn’t move from the fact that he was wearing sweatpants and a white t-shirt, the left sleeve hanging empty.

Bucky kept his distance as you assembled your sandwich, staying silent as he watched you. When you set your sandwich aside and picked up the bread for his, you glanced over your shoulder, both of you speaking at the same time.

“No mayo, right?”  
“No mayo, please.”

Bucky blinked again and you turned your back to him, cheeks aflame once again. You went through the motions and assembled his sandwich, going still when his voice broke the quiet.

“I know you.”

You didn’t respond—you  _couldn’t_ —and he kept talking.

“I don’t know how exactly, but I know you. My mind’s all … scrambled and I’m trying to put it back together, but …”

You set down the knife you’d been using, bracing your hands on the countertop as you closed your eyes.

_All the king’s horses and all the king’s men…_

You opened your eyes and straightened, moving your hands and running your fingers over the smooth counter. You reached for the knife you’d been using and finished your task.

“Did we work together?”

You fumbled the piece of bread in your hand, letting out a shaky breath. You closed your eyes and just breathed, then turned to face him, a plate in each hand. You handed Bucky his, then walked to the table. He followed you, sitting across from you, neither of you bothered by the darkness as you ate in a strangely comfortable silence, despite the question Bucky raised that you still hadn’t answered. When you were both finished, you stood up, taking his plate to the sink to wash them. Bucky followed you, keeping his distance.

“Did I … did I do something to you?”

You glanced over your shoulder, meeting his eyes, seeing the burden he was carrying. You swallowed hard, shaking your head.

“No, you … you never hurt me.”

He slowly nodded.

“Good. That … that’s good. I did some—some terrible things.”

You closed your eyes, reaching into the sink and pulling the stopper from the drain. You washed your hands and dried them, tossing the dish towel behind you as you walked to stand in front of him. Bucky wouldn’t meet your eyes.

“You didn’t do them.”

He lifted his head, eyes full of tears that he wouldn’t let fall. You shrugged your shoulders.

“You didn’t.”  
“Yes, I did.”  
“No.”

He shook his head and hung it, and you clasped your hands together to keep yourself from reaching out and touching him. He gave a ragged sigh, lifting his head, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.

“That’s what Shuri keeps trying to tell me. It wasn’t my fault because I wasn’t … myself.”  
“You were being controlled.”

He met your gaze, a strange combination of hope and fear in his eyes. You shook your head again, speaking gently.

“You were used as a weapon, Bucky. You were controlled by … them, and whatever they made you do, even if it was your hands doing it, it wasn’t your fault.”

His body was trembling, eyes wide as he took a step back from you.

“You … how do you know that?”

You swallowed, closing your eyes as you spoke.

“Because they did the same thing to me.”

_You could still feel the cold steel of the chair you were forced into. The pinch of the locks around your ankles and wrists. The bitter taste of the block they placed into your mouth. The panic that arose when they locked the collar around your neck, forcing your head back. You’d close your eyes, bracing yourself for that first fiery jolt, and one thing would come to your mind._

_Blue eyes._

“Hey, you still with me?”

You blinked, shaking your head once, glancing over at the man crouching down next to you, whose worried eyes were locked onto you. You slowly nodded, standing up from where you’d been sitting on the floor and dusting yourself off. You gave a ragged sigh, rubbing your hands up and down your arms.

“Cold?”

You gave a mirthless laugh.

“I’m always cold.”

You shook your head.

“No matter what I do, it’s like … I don’t know.”  
“Like the cold is in your bones?”

You glanced up, seeing Bucky staring at the left side of his body, where his arm should be. He spoke again, then lifted his eyes to yours.

“Like the cold is just a part of you?”

You nodded, and the side of his mouth quirked up into what could almost be a smile.

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

You stepped forward, and Bucky slowly looked you up and down. You swallowed again, smiling when his eyes met yours. He shook his head, murmuring the words.

“I know you.”

You nodded.

“We should get some rest.”

You started to walk away and he reached out, hand gently closing around your upper arm. You closed your eyes, fighting with yourself and somehow managing to stay upright. You turned to face him and he licked his lips.

“I want to talk to you some more.”

You smiled.

“We will. I promise.”

He let go of you and you nodded to him.

“Get some rest. With Shuri working with you, you’re going to need it.”

He smiled, and you turned from him, the smile draining from your face as you hurried to your room.

 

* * *

 

 

“There you are!”

You smiled, sitting up and wrapping your arms around your knees as Shuri walked over and sat beside you. You closed your eyes, feeling the sun on your bare arms, a gentle breeze making the grass dance around and tickle your feet. Shuri reached a hand over, laying it on your elbow, then clicking her tongue.

“You will burn sitting in the sun like this.”  
“I put sunscreen on.”  
“I bet. Don’t come crying to me when you look like a strawberry tonight!”

You laughed, shaking your head as you settled back, unwrapping your arms and setting them in the grass, leaning back on your elbows. You smiled as you watched a group of children kicking around a soccer ball in the distance. After a moment of silence, Shuri spoke.

“How do you know Sergeant Barnes?”

You swallowed.

“Shuri, I … I don’t know if I can tell you.”  
“Why not? Is it something bad?”

You nodded, and when she spoke again, her voice was soft, the words carefully chosen.

“Were you … one of the ones who … who programmed him?”  
“What? No!”

You shook your head, lifting one hand to your hair, then closing your eyes. You took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, opening your eyes.

“What do you know about him?”

Shuri sighed.

“More than I should, probably. My brother would be furious if he knew that I knew everything.”  
“Everything?”

You looked to her and raised an eyebrow. She shrugged her shoulders, then looked down at her hands.

“I know everything about you, too.”

You nodded, looking out over the field again, murmuring to yourself.

“Not everything.”

Shuri turned her head to look at you, and you blinked back the tears that were threatening to spill from your eyes. You turned to the young princess beside you and took her hands.

“You have to promise me something.”

She nodded, and you gave her hands a squeeze.

“Don’t go trying to dig up information. Not about me or—or Sergeant Barnes. Please, Shuri. Promise me you won’t.”

She nodded again.

“I promise.”  
“Mean it, Shuri.”

She tilted her head, eyebrows furrowing.

“I do mean it, Y/N.”

You let go of her hands and stood up, wrapping your arms around your waist and closing your eyes.

_The sun is warm. Feel it? Do you feel how warm it is? There’s no snow here. No ice. Nothing cold at all. Wakanda is warm. Wakanda is_ home _._

“Wakanda is home.”  
“What?”

You glanced over your shoulder, seeing Shuri still sitting where you left her. You shook your head and she pushed herself up, walking to you.

“What are you so afraid of?”

Your eyes widened and Shuri crossed her arms over her chest.

“Whatever it is that you’re not telling? It’s causing you harm.”  
“If I tell, it may bring harm to someone else.”  
“Who? Me?”

You shrugged your shoulders.

“Or Sergeant Barnes?”

You closed your eyes, and when you opened them again, Shuri was nodding.

“You two were close?”

You closed your eyes again, turning away from her.

“Y/N?”

You blinked open your eyes, turning back to face her. A tear slid down your cheek as you smiled a sad smile.

“I loved him.”

 

* * *

 

 

Rainy days were few and far between in Wakanda. When one came, usually the children could be seen—and heard—running through the downpour, yelling joyously at the tops of their lungs, rushing to their mothers at the first crack of thunder. Just one flash of lightning would send everyone running for cover, and you’d have to fight the urge to lay down in the midst of it and let the rain wash you clean.

This time, you were tired of fighting.

You stood outside, face upturned, rain falling so hard and so fast you could barely see. You were shivering, soaked to the bone, but you wouldn’t move. Thunder rolled all around you, yet you stayed where you were.

You heard the footsteps even through the roar of the rain, and you turned to face him when he was inches from you.

“Tell me the truth.”

He had to shout for you to hear him over the downpour. You shook your head, spitting out rainwater before you answered him.

“I can’t.”  
“Why?”

He shook his head.

“What the hell do you mean?”  
“I don’t want to hurt you.”  
“You couldn’t do more damage than what’s already been done.”

You bit your lip, shaking your head.

“That’s the problem.”  
“What?”

You shook your head again.

“It’s my fault.”  
“What is?”  
“I’m sorry.”

You turned from him and he shook his head, moving to stand in front of you.

“I don’t understand.”  
“I’m sorry.”

You turned away from him again, sloshing through the puddles, stopping when he jogged around, standing in front of you again.

“What are you so scared of?”

You looked away and he lifted his head, spitting out a mouthful of rain before he looked back to you.

“What did I do to you?”  
“You didn’t do anything to me.”  
“Then talk to me.”

You shook your head, and he let out a hard laugh.

“What the hell is your problem?”  
“You are!”

He blinked as you stepped forward, laying both hands against his wide chest and giving a shove. He staggered backwards, eyes wide, and neither of you noticed the flash of lightning, or the sudden loud crack of thunder that followed it.

You shook your head.

“You know that what they did to you was horrible, but it’s what you don’t remember that’s worse.”  
“Oh, really? Like what?”  
“Me, Bucky!”

Another flash of lightning, another roll of thunder went unnoticed. You started to shove him again, but he reached out and grabbed your arm, holding it tightly, but not enough to hurt. You laid your other hand on his chest, feeling the pounding of his heart under your palm. You closed your eyes, soaking in the steady thumps, then looked up, meeting his eyes and seeing a spark in the blue.

Was it confusion? Recognition? Rememberance?

You couldn’t decide. You sniffled and shook your head, lifting a shaking hand to tuck a rope of wet hair behind his ear. You spoke so softly you just knew he couldn’t hear you through the roar of the rain.

“They erased me from you.”

He blinked, eyes going wide and filling with tears. He shook his head and let go of you, and you stepped back from him, tears rolling down your cheeks, mixing with the rain. You shook your head, turning and walking away from him, leaving him standing in the downpour, much the same as you had decades earlier.

You didn’t notice until it was too late the way the sky seemed to open up, the almost slow-motion slither of lightning as it danced through the air, curling down to land right where you were stepping. You opened your mouth to yell, but no sound left your throat.

You felt yourself slam into the ground, held tightly against a wide chest and a wildly beating heart, sheltered from the rain for the first time since it began to fall. You lifted your head and met his eyes, the striking blue that was boring into you. He slowly blinked, lowering his head until his lips were inches from yours.

“Y/N.”  
“Bucky.”

You closed your eyes, breathing him in, immediately thrown back to a time of which you never let yourself think. Bucky leaned in even closer, then let you go, rolling off of you and pushing himself up with his one arm. He pushed that hand through his hair, shaking it, sending raindrops scattering. You stood up, brushing yourself off as best you could, watching him as he lifted his face to the rain, just letting it wash over him for a moment. The words left your lips before you even realized.

“I thought I’d never see you again.”

He looked at you, shaking his head.

“You … you were my … my … they took you from me.”

He lifted his face again, and you jumped when he gave a mighty yell. He crouched down, covering his face with his hand, and when another crack of thunder sounded, you knelt beside him.

“Let’s go inside.”

He moved his hand, looking up and staring at you. He didn’t make any sort of movement, but you jumped at the sudden roll of thunder. You reached over and touched his face, the breath catching in your throat when he closed his eyes and leaned into your touch.

“Come on. Let’s get out of the storm.”

Bucky opened his eyes, then nodded. You helped him to his feet, keeping hold of his hand as the two of you walked inside.

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky stood in the doorway of your quarters, not moving as you rushed to gather a few towels, ringing your hair out over the sink.

“You can take the first shower, warm up a bit. I’m okay for now.”

Bucky let out a quiet laugh and you looked over to him. He shook his head, a soft smile on his face.

“You’re shivering and your lips are blue.”

You lifted a hand to your lips and he shook his head.

“You can go. I’m fine.”  
“You’re freezing. I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

Bucky snorted.

“Super soldier, remember? No chance of me catching a cold.”

You slowly nodded, setting the towels you were carrying down on the small table in your living area, closing your eyes. You laid your hands on either side of the towels, lifting your head when Bucky cleared his throat. He glanced away, not looking at you as he spoke.

“Some of the … details are pretty fuzzy, but we … we were partners, weren’t we?”

You swallowed around the sudden lump in your throat and nodded. He glanced to see you nod, and he looked away again.

“I assume we’ve been through worse than this?”

You nodded, and he cleared his throat.

“We could go together. I’m sure it—it wouldn’t be the first time?”

You waited until he looked at you, and you shook your head. He gave a nod, and you nodded in return, turning and waiting until you heard his footsteps, following you to the bathroom.

You gave a shaky breath as you turned the shower on, adjusting the water temperature until it was to your liking. You turned back to see Bucky fiddling with the sash he wore around his shoulder, the material soaked with rainwater and hard to maneuver. You stepped over to him and he dropped his hand, watching as you untied the knot, unraveling the material and letting it fall to the ground.

Bucky licked his lips, seeming almost nervous—so removed from the Winter Soldier you used to know, who knew no modesty—as he reached his hand over and removed the cloak-like garment he wore. You pressed your lips together, eyes widening when his bare chest came into view, sculpted muscles on display. You eyes were drawn to his left shoulder, to the angry, puckered, scarred red skin where a metal arm once existed.

You lifted your eyes to his and saw that he was already looking at you. You blinked, then spoke softly.

“What happened to your arm?”

He looked to his left side, and you noticed how his right hand clenched into a fist. He let out a breath, speaking almost as softly as you had.

“I, uh… I got into a fight.”

You couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled up and escaped your throat. Bucky gave you a soft smile and you shook your head.

“Sounds like old times.”

The smiles slid from both of your faces as the words registered with the two of you. You turned away, cheeks warming as you heard the rest of his clothes fall to the floor. He stepped into the shower, an appreciative groan escaping his throat, and you lifted your eyes to find your reflection staring back at you. You took off your own clothes, staring into the mirror, eyes scanning over your body until you were staring into your own eyes.

_“Nice.”_

_You glanced over your shoulder, giving him a look._

_“Excuse me?”_   
_“I’m just saying, you … you look nice.”_

_You rolled your eyes, turning to the sink and cupping some water in one hand, washing the blood from where it was staining your stomach and between your breasts. Your shirt had been soaked through, absolutely ruined, and you’d stripped out of it as soon as you’d gotten to the room. You usually didn’t bother with a bra, and today was no exception. There was no room for modesty in the mind of a soldier._

_You flicked your eyes back to the mirror, watching Bucky flex his metal hand before clenching it into a fist. You licked your lips, focusing on cleaning the blood from your body as you spoke._

_“If I had known this is what it would take to get you to notice me, I’d have gone topless in front of you a long time ago.”_

_Bucky barked out a laugh._

_“I notice you, sunshine. Trust me on that.”_   
_“Really?”_

_Bucky nodded, and you let out a laugh._

_“You mean to tell me the Winter Soldier is more than just a HYDRA puppet?”_

_Bucky snorted again._

_“Takes one to know one, don’t it?”_

_You laughed, grabbing a washcloth and drying your hands on it. Bucky stepped into the doorway of the motel bathroom, resting one massive shoulder against the doorframe. You lifted your eyes to the mirror, seeing him staring at you._

_The two of you made a good team. You’d been around longer than he had, so you were able to show him the ropes. His military background even offered him a few things to teach you, and over the last two years, the two of you had risen quite high in HYDRA’s ranks._

_You turned to face him, smiling when his eyes slowly lifted from your breasts to your face. You tossed the washcloth onto the counter behind you, watching a smile spread over Bucky’s lips as you spoke._

_“You ever go off-script, Sergeant?”_   
_“What script? The mission’s complete. We’re good until the convoy arrives to pick us up at 0500.”_

_You smiled and lifted yourself onto the counter, and Bucky smiled as he moved forward, stopping in front of you, reaching out and resting his hands on your hips. You sucked in a breath at the coolness of his metal fingers against your skin, giving a breathy laugh when those fingers skated over the waistband of your pants, dipping under and tickling your skin. You looped your arms around his neck, sucking in another breath as he took a step closer._

_You lifted your head, eyes locking with his. God, his eyes were so blue. As hard as the rest of him was, his eyes somehow held a softness, a playfulness that only came through every now and then. A deeply buried part of you felt lucky to get to witness it. You pushed your hands through his dark hair, settling a piece of hair behind his ear._

_You went to say something, but Bucky ducked his head, pressing his lips to yours. You moved your hands to cup his face, the stubble on his cheeks biting into your palms. He leaned back to pull his shirt over his head, the metal plates of his arm whirring and clicking with each movement he made. You moved your hands to slide down his muscled chest and abdomen, and he gave a quiet moan as he cupped your cheek in his hand, the metal cool against your skin as he brought your lips back to his, kissing you deeply._

You dropped your head, closing your eyes, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. You lifted your head, looking at your reflection again, noticing the haunted look in your eyes. You turned away and went to the shower, pulling back the curtain just enough to step inside.

Bucky was standing under the spray, his back to you and his one hand plastered to the wall, head lowered as the water cascaded over him. You let out a shaky breath at the sight of his back, wide and hard with muscles, spattered with scars. You swallowed and moved forward, one shaky hand reaching out to touch his shoulder.

You gasped when he turned around, pulling you to him and wrapping his one arm around you, burying his face as best he could in your wet hair. You squeezed your eyes shut to try and stem the tears, wrapping your arms around him and holding him tightly. You could feel the pounding of his heart where his chest was pressed to yours, and you moved a hand to the back of his head, holding him where he was, and you were unable to stop your tears when you felt him give a shaking exhale before his tears began to drip onto your shoulder.

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky sat on the little couch in your room, a towel around his waist while you had his clothes in your washing machine. You had your hair twisted up in a towel, another wrapped around your body and secured in a knot at your chest.

Given the extensive history between the two of you, being in only a towel didn’t bother either of you. Even if neither of you could truly remember all the details.

You moved into the living area from the tiny kitchenette, carrying a glass of water in each hand. Bucky looked up at you when you stopped in front of him, pressing his lips together and nodding his thanks as he took the glass from your hand. You sat on the small table in front of him, and he took a drink, then set his half-empty glass beside you. He took in a deep breath, let it out, then brought his eyes to yours.

“Tell me.”  
“Why don’t you tell me?”

He let out a hard laugh.

“My mind is so fucked up, I can’t even …”

He shook his head, his only hand moving to scrub down his face. You felt an ache in your heart, and you stood up, slowly pacing the room as you spoke.

“Your name is James Buchanan Barnes. You were a sergeant in the United States’ Army. A sniper. You were a member of an elite squad led by Steve Rogers, your childhood best friend and none other than Captain America.”

Bucky smiled at that, and you went on.

“You were thought to be the only casualty Rogers’ platoon experienced. Turns out, you were captured and …”

You swallowed, and after a moment of silence, Bucky spoke.

“That’s the stuff I do remember.”

You nodded, and once you’d gathered your wits again, you cleared your throat.

“I was an orphan. I honestly don’t know anything about my parents. Were they killed? Were they too young? Did they just not want me?”

You shrugged your shoulders.

“I bounced around the system throughout my childhood, and when I was sixteen, I was taken from the orphanage because … well. No one would miss me.”

You crossed your arms over your chest and continued to pace.

“I was …”

You cleared your throat again.

“HYDRA was fairly certain they’d perfected their version of the serum used on Rogers. They weren’t entirely sure, though. They needed a guinea pig.”

You swallowed and lifted your head, staring out the window, at the rain that was still falling.

“I was the first success they had. No visible side effects. I didn’t drop dead. I could fight and take a veritable beating and barely break a sweat. They sent me on a few missions, a kind of a test run. Some I remember, most I don’t. The thing I do remember is … how lethal I was.”

You felt a shiver roll down your spine, and you continued.

“Once they saw that I was … okay, they gave you the serum. Sent you out on missions, saw how lethal you were, too.”

You turned to face him then.

“They decided we could be twice as deadly together, instead of just extraordinary alone.”

Bucky nodded slowly, lifting his eyes to yours.

“And we were?”

You snorted.

“Oh, we were.”

You turned back to the window, jumping when a crack of thunder sounded, closing your eyes tightly at the sudden assault of memories. You forced out a breath and felt a rough hand on your shoulder. You reached up and grabbed hold, and Bucky murmured under his breath, nonsense sounds that you didn’t even pay attention to. Just the sound of his voice was what you needed to help ground you again.

After a moment, you loosened your hold on his hand, then turned to face him. Bucky reached out and linked your fingers together, shaking his head.

“What happened to me? Why can’t I remember that? Why can’t I remember you?”

You gave a shaky sigh.

“They erased me from you.”  
“How the hell did they do that?”

You shook your head.

“I don’t know exactly. It has to do with your … programming, I guess.”  
“The red book.”

Your eyes widened, and you closed them before you nodded.

“I had forgotten about that.”

You swallowed, looking back to Bucky. He was studying your face, no doubt trying to find something in his memory to corroborate your story. He shook his head.

“How could they just erase you from me?”  
“They had to.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I escaped.”

Bucky’s eyes widened.

“What?”

You took your hand from his, wrapping your arms around your stomach and holding yourself together. You gave a shaky exhale, moving to the window, touching the glass and jumping when lightning flashed.

“I don’t know what happened, exactly. I thought maybe the serum was … wearing off. I could remember … things. From one mission to the next.”

You looked back at him.

“When we finished a mission, they’d … reset us, get us ready for the next one. Sometimes they’d put us under. And I got to … I could remember things. Even coming out of the cryo, I could remember. When we’d ‘meet’ again and become partners … I could remember you from our previous missions.”

You shook your head.

“It was excruciatingly painful.”  
“That’s something else I remember.”

You looked over your shoulder to see Bucky squeeze his eyes shut. When he opened them again, his eyes widened when he saw you. You stared at him for a moment, then spoke again.

“Even through the pain, I kept remembering. I tried to hide it, got pretty good at faking it. But I just knew someone would realize, and it would just be a matter of time before our missions became to kill each other. And I … god, Bucky. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even imagine—”

You shook your head, looking out the window so he wouldn’t see your tears. You heard him take a step, then retreat. His raspy voice cut through the silence like a knife.

“So you left. And with you gone, they must have amped up their shit with me.”

You felt your face fall and you kept your back to him.

“They cranked it up, so much so that they erased every single memory I had of you. Everything but—”

You opened your eyes at the abrupt end of his sentence, turning back to him.

“But what?”

You watched the muscles in his jaw work as he clenched his teeth, then swallowed. He turned his head, icy blue eyes meeting yours.

**“You were the only one I saw when I closed my eyes.”**

You blinked, sucking in a sharp breath. Bucky shook his head, pushing his hand through his damp hair.

“Every time they strapped me to that goddamn chair, every time they tortured me, wiped my fucking mind clean, you were the last thing I saw. I didn’t realize it at the time, didn’t know who she was, but it … it was you.”

A tear slid down your cheek as he turned from you, walking to the couch and picking up his water, draining it.

You flinched when the glass whizzed by your head, smashing against the wall and shattering into millions of glittering shards. He turned to face you, tears in his eyes, pain infused through every word he spoke.

“How could you leave me?”

You gasped, then shook your head.

“I—I didn’t—”  
“What? You didn’t want to?”  
“No, I didn’t. But I didn’t have a choice.”  
“Yes, you did.”

He sniffed as he walked away from you, shaking his head and sending droplets of water flying from the ends of his hair.

“You had to know what they’d do to me.”  
“I didn’t.”  
“Well, you could have imagined. And you left anyway.”  
“Bucky, it’s not that simple.”

He let out a laugh.

“But you see Y/N, it is! You left, I was tortured, and you’ve been living it up here ever since.”

You stopped, eyes wide.

“Is that what you think?”  
“No, that’s what I  _see._ That’s obvious.”

You swallowed, shaking your head.

“You don’t know anything about me.”  
“You’re goddamn right about that.”

You looked away from him, pressing your lips together. He gave a quiet laugh, shaking his head and walking for the door. You spoke just as his hand closed around the doorknob.

“Wait.”

Bucky glanced over his shoulder, the one half missing. You swallowed back the tears you wanted to shed and motioned behind you.

“Your clothes.”

Bucky glanced down, taking in the towel around his waist. He looked back to you and you watched his eyes harden, saw his lips curl in a sneer as he spit out the words.

“I’ll take my chances.”

He yanked the door open and walked out, and you closed your eyes before you buried your face in your hands and sobbed.


	2. Chapter 2

“Y/N?”

You swallowed, glancing over your shoulder from where you were standing at the edge of the water. You’d been staring at the waterfall below you, feeling the water begin to rush towards the fall around your ankles. You sighed when you saw them, saw the concern on both of their faces, the worry and fear in their eyes. You shook your head, speaking softly.

“I’m just trying to think.”  
“You think you might could do that away from the edge?”

Shuri’s voice shook as she spoke, and you took a step backwards, closing your eyes tightly at Bucky’s breath of relief. Shuri rushed for you then, grabbing your shoulders and turning you to face her.

“What is the matter with you?! Why would you come to this waterfall and stand at the edge to ‘think?’”  
“I wasn’t going to jump.”

Shuri lifted an eyebrow and you rolled your eyes.

“… Again.”  
“What?”

You and Shuri turned to Bucky, and you saw the incredulous look on his face. You shrugged your shoulders.

“Super Soldier, remember?”

Bucky swallowed as he looked away, and you looked back to Shuri.

“I’m sorry I scared you. I’m okay.”  
“Not okay.”

You sighed, then nodded, and she sighed as she pulled you in for a hug.

“Just do not do it again.”  
“I’m sorry.”

Shuri stepped back from you, taking your hand and leading you further from the edge.

“Sergeant Barnes and I thought it would be good for the two of you to talk.”

You raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, really?”

Shuri cleared her throat.

“It … might have been mainly me thinking that.”

You shook your head, a smile on your face.

“The last time we tried to talk, he ran out on me.”  
“Can you really blame me?”

You met his sad eyes, clicking your tongue.

“No.”

Bucky nodded, and Shuri slowly backed away. You let out a breath, then walked over to him, watching him take in his surroundings, the crevices and ledges leading up from where the two of you stood.

“What is this place?”  
“A ritual ground of some sort. I don’t know all the details, but I do know this is where T’Challa had to fight to become king.”

Bucky shot you a confused look, and you smiled.

“Ask him sometime. He’ll walk you through it.”

Bucky’s jaw tightened, and you softened your voice.

“Or you could ask Shuri. I’m sure she’d be more than glad to explain it all. She does get excited easily, though.”

Bucky slowly nodded, then walked forward, the water dancing around his feet as he moved. He leaned over the edge, studying for a moment before standing upright again. He took a step back, but kept his back to you as he spoke.

“Did you really jump?”

You licked your lips before you answered him.

“Yes.”  
“Why?”

You looked down, moving your foot through the water, sending ripples towards Bucky. You took in a breath, then spoke.

“When I first came to Wakanda, begging for asylum, King T’Chaka took me in. I think most of his council were opposed to the idea, but … I don’t know. He believed in me or something, I guess. Maybe he felt sorry for me.”

You shrugged your shoulders, then continued.

“Anyway, we came to the decision that the best course of action was to put me in cryo.”

Bnucky nodded.

“That was my idea when I got here, too.”

You met his eyes, both of you just staring until he looked away. When he did, you gave a shaky exhale, then continued with your story.

“While I was under, the King had a team of scientists working on … different ideas, different approaches on how to … heal me. Or try the best they could. When they had a plan, they brought me out and we all went to work.”

You stopped, closing your eyes at the sudden onslaught of memories. The pain of the injections they tried first, the panic that took hold as one of the side effects. The constant tears that you feared would never end. The way you fought them until you had to be restrained. Breaking free of those restraints, then the lab, running to the exact place you were standing now.

_“Please, Y/N. Just come with me. We can try—”_   
_“Haven’t we tried enough, your majesty?”_

_T’Chaka waved his hands, and the women warriors surrounding him took silent steps towards you. You let out a harsh laugh, shaking your head._

_“Call them off, King. I don’t want them to get hurt.”_   
_“They just want to help you. That’s what we all want.”_   
_“It’s useless. Can’t you see that? Why can’t anyone accept that?”_

_Your head was dizzy with the fresh air coming off the waterfall, the tears you couldn’t stop washed away by the mist that spritzed off of the rolling water. You swallowed, turning back and facing the king._

_“Thank you for everything that you’ve done.”_   
_“Y/N.”_   
_“Don’t blame yourself or your people. You tried, and that was more than I could have ever asked.”_   
_“Y/N, please.”_

_You shook your head._

_“I’m sorry, your highness.”_

_T’Challa darted out from behind his father, but you’d known he was there. You’d been expecting him, and before he could reach you, you turned and leapt from the edge._

**_“Y/N!”_ **

You blinked, eyes widening when you saw where you were, toes hanging off the edge. You took a step back, and then another, gasping when Bucky grabbed your arm and yanked you back. You stared up into his eyes until he let go of you and stepped away, hanging his head and giving a shaky breath. You lifted a hand to push at your hair, and your voice shook when you spoke again.

“They pulled me from the water. Thought I was dead. But the serum kicked in and a couple of hours later, I was good as new.”

You sniffled, kicking up a stream of water.

“They put me back in the cryo and I stayed there for … a few years. Until Shuri came up with a working solution. It wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t easy, but we ironed out the kinks and now … I guess I’m a success story.”

You walked to Bucky, laying a hand on his arm. You gently nudged at him, and after a moment, he turned to face you. You shook your head, tears welling in your eyes.

“I didn’t want to leave you. That was the hardest thing I’d ever done. But I had to do it, in order to find out if we could be cured. If it didn’t work, if—if I died, then you’d never know what I tried to do.”

He shook his head and you grabbed his hand in both of yours.

“I wanted to be the one to … to go through the pain and the torture of healing. To do whatever I could to ensure your healing would be easy and painless.”  
“Y/N—”  
“I’d rather have died than put you through the hell I went through for it not to work.”

Bucky shook his head, eyes roaming over your face, watching the tears streaming down your cheeks, hearing the words you managed to choke out between sobs. He flexed his hand and you let it go, until he pressed his thumb into your palm.

“You did it for me.”

You nodded, and he closed his eyes, letting your hand go and stepping away from you.

“You … you left me, to … to come and see if—if you could be fixed?”  
“If they could undo what HYDRA did.”

Bucky shook his head, and you moved forward, laying a hand against his back.

“I had to try. The things we were doing … I couldn’t live with myself. And if it was happening to me, I knew it was a matter of time before it happened to you, too. You were too good for it not to. I thought that if I could … if I could find a cure, then I could bring it to you and—”

Bucky whirled to face you.

“And what? We’d run into the sunset and live happily ever after?”

You shook your head, a tear dripping down your cheek as you smiled.

“You’d be free.”

Bucky shook his head.

“There’s no …”

As his sentence trailed off, you stepped forward, lifting a hand and laying it against his cheek. He closed his eyes, shaking his head.

“I don’t understand.”  
“I know.”  
“But you … you.”

You blinked back the tears, letting your hand fall back to your side, watching as Bucky stepped closer to you, lifting his one hand to touch your face. His fingertips brushed over your forehead, eyebrows, down your cheeks, thumb tracing your lips before cupping your cheek in his palm.

“Sunshine.”

You gave a quiet gasp, hand flying up to hold his in place. He shook his head again.

“You didn’t come back.”  
“It took longer than I expected. I was under for too long. We didn’t even perfect the process until a few years ago. When I finally did try to find you, HYDRA was gone and you were off the grid.”

You shook your head, and Bucky’s hand began tracing over your face again. You closed your eyes, letting him do as he pleased, speaking softly.

“I didn’t know you were here. I never … I never told anyone about you, because … I really don’t know why.”  
“You were protecting me.”

You blinked your eyes open, meeting his. A soft smile spread over your face.

“I guess so.”

Bucky shook his head.

“Sunshine.”

You let out a watery laugh, tears slipping from your eyes. You reached up and cupped Bucky’s face in your hands, bringing him closer, closing your eyes as he closed the space between you and pressed his lips to yours. His arm snaked around your waist and pulled you closer, and you reveled in the feeling.

 

* * *

 

 

You slowly blinked your eyes open, the familiar glow of the clock on the wall beside you. The healers before had discovered that you didn’t take well to sudden, jarring alarms, and Shuri had spent hours in the lab creating a projected image that slowly brought you to consciousness with gentle, soothing sounds.

Today, you’d woken before the noise began.

You felt a warmth at your back and your eyes widened. For the first time in a very long time, you felt warm. The cold that seemed to be an inherent part of you was missing. You glanced over your shoulder, smiling at the messy bedhead in the dark hair behind you. You maneuvered yourself onto your back, then your side, smiling wider when Bucky grunted in his sleep, shifting until he was comfortable, wrapping his arm around you and pulling you closer. You stared at him as he slept, keeping as still as you could until he sighed.

“I know you’re awake.”

You grinned at the low, sleep-heavy rumble of his voice, lifting a hand to do as he’d done the day before. Your fingers gently palpated his eyebrows, then traced the hard ridge of his cheekbones. You giggled when he sucked his cheeks in, and your fingers danced over the hollows left behind. Your thumbs slid along his jaw, meeting in the middle, and you took turns pressing one finger, then the other into the dimple of his chin. You skated the tips of your four fingers through the stubble on his face, holding your thumbs to his lips, feeling your heart skip when he pressed a kiss to them. He blinked his eyes open, and the two of you just stared at each other for a while.

“Good morning, sunshine.”

You closed your eyes at the deep tone of his voice, opening them again as you whispered to him.

“Why do you call me that?”  
“Because that’s what I used to call you.”  
“No, I know that. Why did you call me it back then?”

Bucky moved closer to you.

“Because you were the one bright spot in my life. You were the sunshine in my winter, as corny as that sounds.”

You swallowed, moving closer to him.

“It’s not corny.”

You stared at him as he did the same to you, and after a moment, he rolled to his back, pinching the bridge of his nose and letting out a long sigh. You rolled to lay beside him, resting your head on his shoulder, your hand on his chest.

“Will you … will you tell me what happened after I left?”

You felt him go rigid and you closed your eyes. His voice was quiet when he could finally speak.

“I don’t remember it all. I don’t remember much. They sent me out on mission after mission, resetting me after each one, putting me in the cryo sometimes.”

He looked down and met your eyes.

“I guess they erased you from their databanks.”

You nodded, and he went on.

“It was … like they didn’t even give me time to think. Once a mission was complete, I was immediately taken back and wiped for the next mission.”

He shrugged his one shoulder.

“Every time they strapped me down, even when it got to be too much and I stopped fighting them, I saw you. When that first jolt went through me, I saw your eyes. No matter how many times I needed to be … reprogrammed, you always came back to me.”

He met your eyes.

“Guess they couldn’t take you away, no matter how hard they tried.”

You turned your face to press your forehead against his chest. Bucky moved his hand to slip his fingers through your hair and you gave a shaky sigh. After a moment of quiet, Bucky spoke again.

“Guess they couldn’t take Steve away, either.”

You lifted your head and he shrugged his shoulder again.

“I was on a mission to kill him. Well, Captain America. I’d already taken out the leader of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Steve was next on my list. We fought for weeks, until …”

Bucky shook his head.

“I knew him. And I knew that I knew him, but I couldn’t place him. When I tried to ask, like an idiot, they just turned up the juice.”

You winced, and he went on.

“It was just me and him. He called me out, told me things about my past. He stopped fighting back, and I just whaled on him. He said he was my friend, and I said he was my mission. He told me …”

Bucky licked his lips, shaking his head.

“He said he was with me to the end of the line. And that … I don’t know. That just flipped a switch in me. I couldn’t remember, really, because my brain was—is—all jumbled up.”

He let out a sigh.

“He fell into the water, and I … I couldn’t let him drown. He’d done something to the Winter Soldier.”  
“Something?”

He shrugged his shoulder.

“Made me think. Gave me a conscience, I guess.”

You gave a quiet laugh, and he shook his head.

“After that … I ran.”  
“Where did you go?”  
“Nowhere important. Places I could think. Until …”

Bucky closed his eyes and let out a sigh.

“I got framed for killing T’Challa’s father.”

Your eyes widened, and you pushed yourself up where you could see his face. Bucky stared at the ceiling, refusing to meet your eyes.

“Steve stood by me, even when a HYDRA bastard came and flipped the fucking switch and turned me back into the goddamn Winter Soldier.”

He huffed out a breath, shaking his head again.

“Steve turned his back on his friends for me. He even physically fought them. and when I lost my arm again and his life was in ruins, T’Challa suggested I come here. I thought the best thing would be for me to go back under, but Shuri brought me out and she’s been working with me, and now…”

He turned his head to look at you. He lifted his one shoulder, a soft smile on his face. You lifted a hand to brush the hair away from his face, moving to murmur against his lips before you kissed him.

“Now I’ve got you back.”

 

* * *

 

 

You stood in a large room, glancing over and seeing Shuri across from you. Bucky sat in a chair in the middle of the room, bent over with his elbow on his knee, slowly clenching his hand in a fist before loosening it again. You pushed a hand through your hair and shook your head.

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”  
“Y/N, please. We’ve tried this multiple times and have gotten good results.”  
“Yeah, but—but never with me.”  
“Exactly. That’s why we  _need_  to do this.”

You shook your head again, looking to Bucky and seeing his blue eyes watching you. Tears welled up in your eyes as you stared at him.

“Please don’t make me do this.”

He gave you a sad smile.

“I need you to do this, sunshine.”

You gave a watery laugh, shaking your head.

“This is … I can’t.”  
“You can.”

You looked back to Shuri, and she smiled widely at you.

“This is one of the final pieces to the puzzle, Y/N.”  
“What if it goes bad?”

Shuri glanced down at her notes, nodding her head. She lifted her head and looked at you.

“We are prepared for that.”

You glanced over your shoulder at the sudden shift in the room. Shuri was smiling when you looked back to her, bouncing her eyebrows. You nodded, murmuring softly.

“They’ll be no match for him if it goes south.”  
“It won’t.”

You closed your eyes.

“The power of positive thinking?”  
“No.”

You looked back to Shuri and she tapped her notes.

“Proven research.”

You swallowed, looking back to Bucky. He nodded, his scratchy voice soft.

“If there was any other way … I’m sorry. I wish you didn’t have to.”

You nodded. You walked over to him, closing your eyes when he leaned forward, pressing his cheek to your stomach. You held him there, fingers stroking through his hair before you gave a shaky sigh. You bent down and held his face, bringing your lips to his and kissing him. His hand moved to lace into your hair, and you held your forehead to his until you could breathe again. You nodded, turning and walking away from him, deliberately not watching as Bucky relaxed into the hospital-grade chair. Shuri walked over to him and placed some sort of stickers on his head and his bare chest. She attached wires from a handheld device to each of the stickers, placing the device in a band she wrapped around Bucky’s chest. You had to look away when he looked up at her, eyes so wide and helpless as she smiled and gently tapped his face with her hand.

She walked back over to where her computer was set up at a tall table, one she could easily stand behind.

Or take cover in, whichever need may arise.

You stepped over to her workspace and she held out a red notebook to you. You glanced down at it, staring at the star on the front, swallowing hard before you shook your head. You met her dark eyes and you cleared your throat.

“I don’t need it.”

She raised an eyebrow and you walked away from her, rolling your shoulders, closing your eyes. You tilted your head from one side to the other, exhaling when you felt the pops. You took a deep breath, straightening your spine before you opened your eyes and turned around, locking onto the blue eyes watching you.

It had been decades since they’d decided to switch things up. Whenever Bucky got rowdy—which he did often—one of his handlers would speak a handful of words to snap him into gear. You couldn’t remember who decided to let you try it, but they’d all noticed there was a lot less bloodshed and bruising when you were the one to call forth the Winter Soldier.

_“Your pronunciation is awful, sunshine.”_   
_“Still does the trick.”_   
_“Barely. Sometimes I just give in so you’ll quit butchering the language.”_

You let out a shaky breath, lifting your head, keeping your eyes on Bucky.

_“Longing.”_

Shuri’s eyes widened at the Russian spilling from your mouth. You saw Bucky’s jaw clench, and you went on.

_“Rusted.”_

Blue eyes closed, and you gave a shaky breath before continuing.

_“Seventeen.”_

Bucky groaned and you saw T’Challa step out of the shadows, Okoye right behind him. The rest of the Dora Milaje stepped forward once the next word left your lips.

_“Daybreak.”_

Bucky shook his head, breaths huffing from his chest. You looked to Shuri and she nodded for you to go on.

_“Furnace.”_

Bucky bared his teeth, a low growl escaping his throat.

_“Nine.”_

T’Challa put his helmet on, the Black Panther now in the room as you said the next word.

_“Benign.”_

Bucky shouted, hand gripping the chair so tightly you saw a seam rip. Your lips were shaking, but you forced the next word out.

_“Homecoming.”_

Bucky shook his head, chest heaving. T’Challa stood directly in front of Shuri, who stared at the computer screen in front of her.

_“One.”_

Bucky moaned again, shifting in the chair, the women warriors closing in. You shook your head as you looked to Shuri, but she and T’Challa gave a single nod, urging you to finish it.

_“Freight car.”_

T’Challa held an arm out in front of Shuri as Bucky screamed, and the women around the room raised their weapons. Tears rushed to your eyes as you shook your head, covering your mouth with a hand. When Bucky’s screams finally died down, he leaned forward in the chair, head hanging almost between his knees. You swallowed, speaking the final words.

_“Good morning, soldier.”_

After a few moments of tense silence, Bucky lifted his head. You sucked in a shaky breath at the sight of tears in his eyes, and a smile crept over his lips.

“Your pronunciation is still so bad.”

You let out a watery laugh, running forward and climbing into his lap, wrapping your arms around him. He laughed, burying his face in your hair, wrapping his arm around you and holding you tightly.

T’Challa reached up, taking his helmet off, waving a hand and signaling for his warriors to relax and back off. Shuri smiled, tapping on the computer’s keyboard.

“It worked.”  
“Good job, little sister.”

Shuri’s smiled widened, basking under the praise from her brother. He glanced back to where you were still sitting in Bucky’s lap, a relaxed look on his face as his fingers danced through your hair. T’Challa took a deep breath and let it out slowly, swallowing as he glanced down at his hands.

 

* * *

 

 

You curled up on the couch next to Bucky, both of you stretched out and tangled together. You were both looking out the window, watching the sun go down, comfortable in the silence. You finally stood up and walked into the kitchen, coming back with two glasses of fresh juice that one of the children had brought you this morning. Bucky smiled, taking the glass from you, sitting up and swinging his legs around.

“You know …”

You looked to him and he stared into the glass as he spoke.

“The first time Shuri tried to read the words … even in English, she only got through two of them before I lost it.”

He lowered his head between his shoulders as he spoke.

“She got some kind of translation thing on her computer and I completely leveled the room we were in. The … warrior girls had to tranq me to shake that one off. T’Challa started coming to our sessions after that.”

He shook his head and you reached over, taking his hand. He looked to you and you gave him a smile.

“I jumped off a waterfall. Tearing up a room doesn’t sound quite so bad.”

The corners of Bucky’s lips quirked up in a smile.

“Yeah, maybe not.”

You moved your hand to rake through his hair and he closed his eyes, leaning back. He switched gears halfway through, moving to lay on the couch with his head in your lap. You smiled, setting your now-empty glass aside, moving your hands to scratch at his scalp, laughing softly at the moan he gave.

“I missed you.”

Your hands faltered, but you continued to comb your fingers through his hair. Bucky spoke with his eyes closed.

“I mean … I didn’t remember you, but … I felt like something was missing. Every mission, everything I did, it just felt wrong. The one time I tried to ask, they shoved me in the cryo so fast I thought I had freezer burn.”

He chuckled at his own joke, and after a moment, you spoke.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

He blinked his eyes open, moving to sit up when he saw the tears on your cheeks.

“Hey, hey. No. Come on, now.”

You sniffled and shook your head.

“I just left you, and they—god, Bucky. They tortured you. They did things you don’t even remember, and I … I wasn’t there.”  
“They would have done the same things to you if you had been there.”  
“You don’t know that.”  
“Oh, but I do.”

You met his eyes and he sighed.

“I’ve thought a lot about what you said. How it would only be a matter of time before they made us turn on each other. You’re right.”

He shrugged his shoulder, reaching out and taking your hand.

“I’m glad you left. Glad you got to come here and … be healed.”  
“I’m sorry I didn’t come for you sooner.”

He leaned over, pressing his lips to your forehead. You sniffed, shaking your head once, lifting your eyes to him.

“How did you get out?”

He let go of your hand, reaching over and picking up his glass, draining it before he answered you.

“When Steve and I fought the last time, when I couldn’t let him drown, there wasn’t a HYDRA for me to go back to. Steve exposed these underground secrets and HYDRA was no more.”

You slowly nodded, looking down at your hands.

“You ever think they’ll …”  
“Get the band back together?”

You laughed to yourself, but nodded. Bucky sighed.

“All the time. Scares the shit out of me.”

You lifted your head and he shrugged his shoulder.

“I mean, I know what they’re capable of, you know? I know what they can do, what they can make me do.”  
“What they  _could_  do. They can’t anymore.”

He smiled, reaching out for your hand. You laced your fingers through his and he brought your hand to his lips.

“Thank you. I know today was hard for you.”  
“I was terrified.”

He nodded, looking down at your hands.

“Of what I might do?”  
“No.”

He lifted his head at your quick answer.

“You never hurt me before. I didn’t think you’d start now. I was afraid of … if it worked. If you said what you usually did, that you were ready to comply.”

You shook your head.

“I didn’t know what to do to pull you out of it.”

Bucky slowly nodded.

“Well, I guess we’ll never have to know, huh?”  
“Bucky—”

You rolled your eyes, but your sentence was cut off by his lips pressing to yours. You lifted a hand to cup his cheek, moaning softly as his arm came around you, pulling you down to stretch out on the couch, his body coming over yours, lips never leaving yours as his hand slipped under your shirt.

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky stood in the sun with a smile on his face, watching the children kick a soccer ball. Every so often, one of the kids would notice him and wave, and—surprising even himself—Bucky waved back.

For once, he didn’t stiffen when he heard the almost silent taps of footsteps behind him. He slowly turned back, squinting in the bright sunlight.

“Your highness.”

T’Challa nodded as he walked to stand beside Bucky, a smile instantly coming to his face when he saw the children. A few of them gave excited shouts, and when T’Challa held up a hand, a chorus of shouts arose. Bucky glanced his way, but T’Challa stared straight ahead as he spoke.

“Sergeant Barnes…”  
“Please.”

Bucky shook his head.

“Call me Bucky.”

T’Challa smiled, glancing down at the ground.

“Bucky, then.”

He turned to face him, looking the former Winter Soldier in the eyes. The smile slid from Bucky’s face as T’Challa’s voice went soft.

“We need to talk.”

 

* * *

 

 

You glanced back from your place at the window, smiling when Bucky came walking through the door. You got to your feet and went to him, putting your hands on his hips as you kissed him.

He smiled at you, moving his fingers through your hair, and you smiled back, tugging him closer.

“Good day?”

He nodded, and you moved to take his hand, leading him to the couch, but he gave your hand a tug before you could sit down. You turned to him, noticing the tight muscle in his jaw and the lines around his eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

Bucky swallowed, looking down before meeting your eyes.

“I need to talk to you.”

You gave a nervous laugh, tugging your hand from his.

“Well, that’s never good.”

Bucky sighed, lifting his hand and pushing it through his hair. You watched him, noticing that his hair was longer than you’d ever seen. You knew from experience that it was soft as silk, and no matter what you did, you couldn’t get your hair to feel as good as his did.

You stood by him, silently waiting, until he cleared his throat. He kept his eyes cast down and away from you as his voice broke the silence.

“Something’s happening.”  
“What?”

He shook his head, shrugging the one shoulder he had, glancing towards his left, where his arm should be.

“I don’t know the details. I just know it’s not good.”

You shook your head and Bucky sighed.

“T’Challa talked to me earlier. It’s bad enough that the Avengers are on their way here. Well … some of them. What’s left of them.”  
“I don’t … who are the Avengers?”

Bucky met your eyes then, and he shook his head.

“It’s not important.”  
“What is important, Buck?”

Bucky licked his lips and stepped closer to you. He took your hand and brought it to his chest, and you felt your heart sink. He lifted his head, meeting your eyes, and you took in a breath, holding it until he spoke.

“I have to go.”

Tears leapt to your eyes and you shook your head.

“No.”  
“I’m so sorry.”  
“You’re  _sorry_?”

You pulled your hand from his, shaking your head.

“You don’t even know what you’re going for.”

Bucky let out a sigh.

“They need me.”  
“No, they don’t.”

You turned away from him, pushing your hands through your hair.

“It’s Steve.”

You went still, then turned around. Bucky sat down on the couch, putting his head in the one hand he had. He lifted his head and met your eyes.

“Steve’s on his way, and I … I’ve got to be there. He’s always … he just runs in with his head down and he won’t walk away from a fight, so I’ve got to make sure he doesn’t get himself killed.”

You slowly nodded.

“So you’re going to go and fight.”

Bucky held up his hand, silently telling you that he didn’t know for sure. You blinked back tears.

“So all the … therapy and the cryo and Shuri’s work … what? It’s all for nothing?”  
“No. No, it’s not nothing. It’s … it’s different this time.”  
“How?!”

Bucky hung his head, then lifted it, causing the breath to catch in your throat when you saw the hope sparkling in the blue.

“This time I can be one of the good guys.”

You nodded, tilting your head with a sad smile on your face.

“Isn’t that what they told us before? That’s what HYDRA made us believe. We had to do the things we did, complete our missions, kill  _innocent people_ , for what? For the greater good.”  
“Yeah. The good of HYDRA.”

You lifted a hand to your lips and Bucky sighed.

“I know you don’t understand.”  
“You’ve got that right. I thought you’d changed, Bucky.”  
“Into what? A pacifist? Y/N, I was a soldier in World War II. And then I was the Winter Soldier. I can’t just sit back while a fight’s going on.”

You slowly nodded.

“You’re not ready.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, letting out a laugh as he stood to his feet.

“You think I’m going to revert back to the Winter Soldier, don’t you? You don’t have the slightest bit of faith in me.”  
“Oh, you are held together with Scotch tape and prayers right now. Don’t even try to deny it.”

Bucky blinked, then gave a hard laugh.

“Well, why don’t you tell me how you really feel?”  
“Buck—”  
“No, I’m serious. Tell me how difficult your life has been, here in this beautiful place, with the finest technology at your fingertips, with a personal fucking therapist ready and waiting to fix every little thing that’s broken in you.”

You couldn’t move, frozen where you stood with tears dripping down your face. He held your gaze for a moment, then faltered, reaching out for you as he moved closer.

“I’m sorry. God, I’m so—”

You raised your hand to slap him, but he grabbed your wrist, holding it tightly. It wasn’t enough to hurt you, and he smiled as he let you go.

“Not as rusty as you thought, huh?”

He caught you as your knees buckled, and he lowered the two of you to the floor, holding you close. You gripped his clothes as tightly as you could, crying into his shoulder. You pushed him away, standing to your feet, pushing your hands through your hair.

“You don’t know. You don’t know what I had to go through. You don’t know how damn hard it was.”  
“Y/N.”  
“I did it for you. Every bit of it. All the crying and the—the mind … the excruciating … I did it so you wouldn’t have to, and you’re throwing it all away.”

He stood up, shaking his head.

“I’m not. God, Y/N. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done.”  
“Oh my god.”

You let out a laugh, walking to the window and digging your fingers into the sill.

“Just kill me before you start thanking me.”

Bucky shook his head again.

“What am I supposed to say?”  
“Anything but that! You can’t go rushing into battle just because you feel good right now. You’re not healed.”  
“I am better than I’ve been in years.”  
“Well, I’m not!”

You and Bucky looked down, at the window sill you held in your hands. You glanced back to the place you’d ripped it off the wall and you sighed. You set the sill against the wall and put your hands on your hips.

“You think you’re okay because we got through one hurdle. The words don’t activate you anymore. That’s great. But who’s to say something else won’t?”

He shook his head.

“I can’t just sit back and watch this happen.”  
“You don’t even know what ‘this’ is.”

You spoke through clenched teeth, and he sighed, lifting his hand and pushing it through his hair. You stepped forward, a sad smile on your face as you met his eyes.

“I just got you back, Bucky. After all these years, I’ve got you back and you—”

You lifted a hand to your chest, waiting until he met your eyes.

“You’ve made up your mind.”  
“Y/N.”  
“It doesn’t matter what I say or … or what I ask, does it? You’re going, and I … there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Bucky shook his head, stepping towards you and reaching out for you.

“It’s not like that.”  
“Oh, but it is.”

Tears welled up in your eyes, and you turned from him, walking to the window and staring out, biting your lip to keep the sobs in as the tears slid down your cheeks. Bucky sighed, then walked up behind you, snaking his arm around your waist and putting his chin on your shoulder, pulling your back to his wide chest.

“If there was any other way, believe me, I’d take it. But I can’t sit back and watch everyone else fight knowing I could help. I couldn’t live with myself, Y/N.”

You stared at the window, unable to see through the haze of your tears. You nodded, then spoke softly.

“I guess I was wrong.”  
“About what?”  
“You are healed. The Winter Soldier would never say something like that. Bucky would.”

He was quiet behind you, letting out a quiet ‘huh’ after a moment. He cleared his throat, speaking softly.

“You could come with me.”  
“I can’t.”  
“Y/N—”  
“No, I … I can’t.”

You stepped out of his hold, shaking your head as you turned to face him.

“After every … everything I went through, I promised myself I wouldn’t fight again. Not for anyone. I won’t be used as a weapon.”  
“You wouldn’t be fighting for anyone. You’d be fighting for yourself. You’d get to call the shots.”  
“I can’t take the chance.”

You shook your head.

“I know it’s selfish and … I hate it, but I can’t. I can’t risk putting everything I went through in jeopardy. I can’t go through the healing process again, Bucky. I won’t make it through.”  
“Y/N—”  
“I did it for you, and you’re all put back together again, and …”

You shrugged and Bucky stepped forward, taking you in his arm.

“You saved my life. Don’t ever forget that.”

You nodded, tears coming to your eyes again, cascading down your cheeks as you pressed your forehead to his shoulder.

 

* * *

 

 

You stood in the shadows, holding onto your skirts as the odd-looking plane landed. You watched the hatch lower into a walkway, and your breath caught in your throat as Bucky and T’Challa stepped forward.

Bucky, who had two arms again, one made of the finest, toughest vibranium Wakanda had to offer. Shuri had worked non-stop to create it, and you all were fascinated by how sleek, yet powerful it was.

You saw a man step from the plane thing, tall and muscular, with shaggy hair on his head and a beard shadowing his face. A tiny woman was beside him, who had short blonde hair and tired eyes. The man’s face broke into a smile when he saw Bucky, and he stepped forward, taking hold of Bucky’s shoulders.

“That’s Steve.”

You glance over your shoulder as Shuri stepped forward. You nodded.

“I thought so.”  
“Captain America, he used to be.”  
“Used to be?”

Shuri shrugged.

“It doesn’t seem that he is anymore. It’s a long story.”

You nodded again, swallowing before you spoke.

“Do you think he’ll be okay?”

Shuri’s voice was gentle.

“I do. He worked very hard to get to where he is. The activation words with you was the last step.”

You nodded.

“So he’s all glued back together again.”  
“Thanks to you.”

You glanced down, lifting your head again to see Bucky looking your way. You were too far away for him to see you, hidden in the rocks beneath the panther. You moved to step into the sunlight, noticed the way Bucky’s eyes widened as he focused on you. He started towards you, then stopped.

_“Hey, where you going?”_

_You turned back at the gentle touch of Bucky’s metal hand wrapping around your arm. You looked at his hand, then up to meet his eyes. You swallowed, then pushed a smile onto your face._

_“Bathroom.”_

_Bucky raised an eyebrow and you rolled your eyes as you smiled._

_“I need one more minute of sunshine before they take us back. Before they ‘fix us’ to … do whatever they’re going to do next.”_   
_“Good idea.”_

_He started to walk outside, and you laid a hand to his chest._

_“Just … give me a minute alone?”_

_He met your eyes, and you noticed the wariness in the beautiful blue. He finally nodded, leaning down and pressing his lips to yours. You lifted a hand to cup his cheek, slowly opening your eyes and looking up at him._

_“I’ll be right back.”_

_Bucky nodded, taking a step back from you and raising his hands. You smiled at him, giving him a nod as you turned away. You walked out the door, closing your eyes as the sunlight hit your face. You walked down the parking lot, taking in a deep breath before glancing over your shoulder, looking back one last time, then taking off at a run._

You felt an intense surge of déjà vu, staring at Bucky the way you were. Except, this time,  _he_  was the one to nod and turn away, increasing the distance between you until you couldn’t see him anymore.

And he never once looked back.


End file.
